So I'm home, finally. And as it's been a while since my last lengthy and seriously-toned post, I figure it's long overdue. It seems that I have a full plate of issues currently. Job loss in such a way that my military status means positively squat, searching for a job that will pay decently for which I am qualified while trying to convince already-skittish employers that while yes, you could survive just fine without someone filling this position, I would be worth that extra risk and expense. Simple task. Also, there is the seeming dissatisfaction with my recent performance as a son and brother. Frustrations have made themselves evident that I can keep a blog, so why not emails, calls, letters? It's because with blogging, the things I write don't have to have a valid and substantial point. I can write about the Hot Wheels I played with as a kid, or my recent appreciation for Leo's ever-sharpening skills as an actor. Some one reads what I wrote, and they can either comment or not. I can get a "that's weird" from someone, or a "Yeah, Leo's come a long way" or I may even get a "*squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* LEO'S MY FAVORITE TOO LOL ZOMGWTFBBQ ROFFLECOPTER!!!1!1!!!" (Not at all what I said. Just that he's a good actor.) See, everyone I know for some reason or another seeks definition. A reason not just to exist, but to exist the way they are. No one likes to be told that the way they've chosen to live their life is disagreeable, let alone wrong. Especially if their way of life was a conscious choice. If they've made changes within themselves and their habits to accomodate a new way. As an attempt to combat this before a threat even arises, people will make a profound effort to get others around them to feel the same way about the same things. For instance, while at Ft Rucker, we were allowed to wear civilian clothing on the weekends. For most, this consisted of Nike Air Force Ones (shoes), Fubu or Rocawear or American Eagle Brand Brand Brand crap. So I show up to formation in a plain grey t-shirt, blue jeans, and some decent looking shoes whose brand I can't remember. So I was a little thrown when this kid that was branded to the nines (He had a grill even!) walks up to me, looks me up and down and asks, "Seriously?" I simply said that brand doesn't matter much to me. He then tried his hardest to convince me that I should dress like him. I thought individuality was the name of the game, here? "We need to rebel! Let's ALL wear My Chemical Romance shirts! THAT'll make us unique!" I just don't understand it.
The reason for all this diatribe is simple. I like to avoid people whose mission in life is to convince either me or themselves that everyone needs to be a certain way. When I'm told, "no pressure! Be who you are!" so I do, and I'm resented for it.
I enjoy the military. You report to who you need to when you're supposed to. You do what you're asked and you're done. My free time is mine. They don't give a half-a-damn what I do with my time, or if I've socialized with my fellow soldiers enough. They don't care what video games I play, or what movies I watch. They don't need me to need them. I don't have to pretend my past was rainbows, unicorns and Sunday school. I don't have to pretend that I was abused, kept chained up in the basement and regularly beaten with a truck, either. This is the thing that I have accepted about myself that hopefully everyone else will understand: I'm normal. I'm average. I get just as many breaks as anybody else. Sure, I had a learning disability! Look how much time and energy my mother devoted to ME because of it! Did I ACTUALLY have ADD? Maybe. Doesn't matter much now. In AIT I was third in my class! I can focus just fine! The difference? I choose to. I make no excuses for myself. It's hard, yes! But why does the main driving force behind everything humanity does have to be making things as easy as possible? For those striving for the Celestial Kingdom, guess what? There is no autopilot. You will not get to just lay around and make worlds with your mind. It's going to be more difficult than this life could ever be. It's a state of constant sacrifice. Your entire existence will be based on others. (Yeah you say that's what you want now, but how many of you are doing that currently?)
Wow, I went off for a while there. I've had a lot stored up, I guess. *sigh* It's good to be back.
7 comments:
I don't know where you got the idea that there was dissatisfaction about you being a son but I'll tell you here and now that it wasn't from me. I may have been negligent about writing all the time and maybe I didn't support Wisp as i should but I'll tell you, there's nobody more supportive of you than I am. I'm proud of your service to your country, your sacrifice, your situation. You certainly have not disappointed me in any way. Know that we love you... dad
No worries, pop. The source of the issue is already well aware of the way that I feel. However, that doesn't seem to abate the tiny darts of guilt that always seem to head my way. All I do is try to live my life the way it makes sense for me. I've never doubted your support for me, and I'll tell you, it's quite welcome. I bragged so often during training that my father carries his father's tags on the ride. I've come to understand true patriotism when I see it, and as strange as this role-reversal seems...I'm proud to have you for my father.
And Wisp wants you to know that you were plenty supportive of her. :)
Just had a thought-if you've got a spare set, I'd be honored to have you ride along with me this year. Only going to Odessa, TX this year but next year, 2010, it's all the way to the Wall. Take care... dad
Wow. I dont have any other words for you right now. ~twin
EEEEEEEEyeah. I kinda went off there, eh?
I do that sometimes. According to someone else, I'm to serious and somber. I'm trying to break out of that.
You? too serious? please... anyway. If you need to vent, I am here. Hope all is well. ~LY~twin
Just a heads up, I have had a development. Big post droppin like it's hot. (Get outta mah head, Snoop!)
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